- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito - - www.addic7ed.com -
Here it goes. Same routine every day.
Yeah, I've been noticing that. Starts with his lucky cup.
But he has to check it for dust.
Now he pours the coffee.
And always over pours.
But then he pours some back.
Now watch. He taps the sugar five times.
Both: One, two, three, four, five.
All right, now watch his face.
This is where he realizes it isn't sweet enough.
So he adds another.
Both: One, two, three, four, five.
And this is the part where he realizes
he works with Jack and Ass.
(Theme music plays) ♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪
♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪
♪ I'm about the life, about to come on strong ♪
♪ Come on come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah ♪
♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool. ♪
Marcus, I have glorious news.
At last, the long, arduous wait is over.
They approved fracking on your family property?
Even better.
I have cashew,
I have almond,
and brace yourself, macadamia.
What the hell is that?
These are rare nut butters.
You mean peanut butter?
Oh, how pedestrian.
These are imported from Costa Rica.
They are handpicked by well-trained and endangered
orange-bottom capuchin monkeys at the peak of the season.
That sounds so amazing.
Oh, my God, man!
That's $300 an ounce!
You can only get it once every five years.
I don't want no open jars
of monkey butter in this office.
Fine. Well, like it or not, this is my office, too.
I don't like it.
And from now on, don't bring anything in here
without asking me. You got that?
This just arrived.
- What the hell is that? - It's mine.
Thought I'd class this place up a bit.
Try to make it a little more me.
And by that, I mean a little less you.
No, no, no, no, no, no... oh!
Oh, no, no, no, no. This thing is gonna give me nightmares.
- Don't look at it. - Get it the hell out of here.
Please, you big baby.
You get one when you make partner at my father's law firm.
Does it come with darts?
Who said you could hang that anyway?
I asked this firm's newest partner, and I said yes.
Well, let me check with the senior partner.
I say hell, no.
Hi. I'm looking for Allen Braddock.
Tell him it's Jake Garrett.
Of course.
Allen, there is a man here to see you
who is guilty of extreme attractiveness
and could be charged with smelling like
a freshly-baked airport cinnabon.
Jake Garrett is here?
I used to play poker with him.
Jake could lead us to the kind of lucrative clients we're looking for.
Let him in.
This guy has big money.
I once saw him lose an entire building in one hand.
How do you lose a building playing poker?
Three Martinis and a pair of 10s.
Michael: Allen, Marcus, this is Jake.
- Allen Braddock. nice to see you, Allen. - Jake.
How's the splendor sailing? You got her out of dry dock yet?
Oh, not until I fix that keel rod.
Yachting.
Kills me how it always comes down to that one race...
Caucasian.
I'd like you to meet my partner Marcus Jackson.
So what brings you here, Jake, besides your Bentley?
Well, this is a sensitive matter
and so I wanted to avoid the big firms.
Since you no longer travel in those circles,
you were the first person I thought of.
You hear that? First person.
I trust that you'll be discreet
and not mention to anyone that we're in business together.
That makes two of us.
I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.
- I believe she has cheated on me. - The strumpet!
I'll draw up the papers right away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll.
What makes you think your wife is cheating on you?
Well, my wife recently gave birth to a son.
Congratulations.
Yeah, but he's, um... let's see, how do I put this?
This is my wife Heather.
Gorgeous. Empires have fallen for less.
Exactly.
So doesn't it seem impossible
that two people that look like us could produce this?
Such strong features for a newborn.
Give me that.
Babies are beautiful gifts from God, okay?
Now this baby... oh, damn!
Oh!
It's a newborn and it got teeth.
Oh!
You must be so proud.
The only explanation is that she cheated on me
with something that looks like that.
It offends me personally
that this has happened to you.
I knew you'd understand. What's your retainer?
- We generally... - Don't go under 10,000.
And that's because you're a friend.
Well, the funds will be in your account within the hour.
What the...
- I'll walk you out. - Allow me.
And that is how you get some cash flowing around this place, huh?
$10,000?
That's how I roll.
Disowning a child because it's ugly is just wrong.
Now, where would we be if Mama Lincoln
had abandoned little, ugly Abe, hmm?
I know where I'd be.
I'm not so sure about you.
Look, I understand Jake being attractive
leads to an easier, more successful life.
I'm living proof.
Look, we don't need this case, man.
We're doing just fine.
Would you stop striving for fine?
It's sad.
And it's cancelling out my Xanax.
Hey, Michael, I need to get that file on Jake Garrett.
Allen wants me to go get DNA for a paternity test.
I already pulled it for you.
- Enjoy. - Oh, no.
Oh, this baby's photo is all the birth control
- I will ever need. - That's not a baby.
That's a cross between Steve Buscemi and a hot dog
that's been boiling since 2012.
Allen needs to sign my report card.
My mom's in Saudi Arabia getting her eyebrows threaded.
They're the best.
They've spent centuries taming those things
'cause it's the only thing that shows under a burka.
This baby needs a burka.
Ew! That's a baby?
It needs Botox.
What?
They don't have Botox for babies.
Oh, they totally do.
It's called Bo-tots.
My friend's baby sister had it.
She's, like, eight months old now
and she only looks three months.
- That's terrifying. - No, it's awesome.
When she cries, her face doesn't move.
(Mimicking crying)
She's already on her fifth modeling job.
Michael!
What is so important? What is it?
This picture, man... it's freaking me out.
Well, um, have you tried
complaining about it for hours?
It's creepy, man.
It's like being stalked by the head of security at Walmart.
Leave it to pompous rich people to spend that much money
on a blowup of a really bad selfie.
He did that to get into my head.
Okay. All right, calm down.
Sit here and listen to me.
You hired me because of my intuition
and common sense, right?
Well, I hired you because your dad asked me to
and I owed him money at the time.
Look, you're the one who needed his money
and sold him half your practice the day after you met him.
I know lesbians who don't get involved that quickly.
And now you have to deal with the consequences.
And that is one of them.
He's not so bad.
Just do what I do... on the outside be really nice,
but on the inside think about
how desperately he needs us
and how his entire family disowned him.
It makes me smile.
Michael, can you put on a pot of coffee?
You got it, boss.
You know, I've been thinking about Jake's sweet, little ugly baby.
- Alleged baby. - No, it's an actual baby.
And I decided I'm willing to take this on.
Good.
The more money we make, the more charity cases you can take.
What do you know about charity?
I will have you know that when I die,
the Art Institute gets that painting.
Why don't you give it to them now?
Jake, are you ready for the results of your paternity test?
Well, I'm ready to confirm what I already know.
I'm afraid I have devastating news.
You are the father of the baby.
All those tests and clinics
and all that trouble just to produce this?
Tests? Clinics?
- Trouble? - No.
No.
For the longest time, we couldn't get pregnant,
and so we ended up trying in vitro.
We were so happy when it worked.
- Or did it? - It did.
So, Jake, go home,
put on some rubber gloves, and love that baby.
No, wait! Wait!
What if the clinic made a mistake?
If a hospital can switch babies,
why can't a fertility clinic scramble a few eggs?
Because it's a clinic, not Denny's.
Jake, this is your life.
Let us help you bring closure to this issue,
even if it means suing a wealthy, highly-insured medical clinic.
You are right.
We've come this far, we shouldn't stop now.
That is some good thinking, guys.
I just sent you another check.
(Chuckling)
- (Phone chimes) - And it just cleared.
So how are we going to get them to show us her medical records?
I've got a plan. Follow my lead.
Hi.
- He's here to test his sperm. - What...
Sidebar.
What?
Don't be telling people my boys can't swim.
I could impregnate half of Chicago if I wanted to.
Look at her. Boom. Third trimester.
All right, you've got magazines in there,
videos in there,
and cups there.
Figure it out.
I'll be back in...
Seven minutes.
Can you make that 12?
A little foreplay.
All right, come on.
Let's go try to find the records room.
I'm not going to get caught sneaking around back here.
Now I got us this far, you on your own.
I got some business to handle.
- (Man screams) - Sorry!
I hope you're having that removed.
3D porn?
Ohh. Oh.
(Music on TV)
Woman on TV: I'm your downstairs neighbor Paprika.
Your plumbing is dripping on me.
Look how wet my shirt is.
Woman 2: Maybe we could plug the leak together.
(Door opens)
Hello. I'm Dr. Radis.
What can we do for you, Mr. Yamamoto?
Yes, well, I'm actually starting to have second thoughts.
Everyone does the first time they see a cosmetic surgeon.
Quite honestly, you make an excellent candidate.
You've developed plenty of character in your face.
I can get rid of it all.
How much character are we talking about?
- (Woman 2 on TV giggles) - I'm wet everywhere.
Oh, my Lord.
Man, 3D? More like double D.
Whoo.
Woman: We'll get a better angle.
Woman 2: Good thinking. Look out, it's gonna burst.
- (Water spraying) - Oh!
A nip here, a tuck there, and voilá.
My God.
I'm breathtaking.
(TV conversation continues indistinctly)
Woman: Okay, that sounds nice.
(Woman 2 giggles) Oh, it went everywhere!
(Conversation continues indistinctly)
Woman 2: Oh, no. That must be my husband...
Man: Is there room in this bed for a sweaty coal miner with back hair?
Damn it.
Take a look at these before and afters of my work.
Oh, my. Yes, that is a noble nose.
You know, I have always wanted a divot right there.
- We call that the Travolta. - Ah.
Hold on a minute.
Who is this woman?
Oh, yeah, she's one of my proudest achievements.
It's amazing what I can do for 200 grand.
We took her down to the studs.
(Woman laughing on TV)
Marcus, I got it. I got the proof.
Allen, Allen, this is incredible.
It's like being there. This could replace sex.
- Look at this. - Oh, what the...
What the hell happened to you?
You look like a butcher's drawing of a cow.
Jake's wife was lying to him, but not about what he thought.
- This is what she used to look like. - Damn!
- The ugly baby had an ugly mama? - Mm-hmm.
I... I can't believe that's Jake's wife.
The woman's been carved up more than a honeybaked ham. Let's get out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. I want to see how this ends.
Spoiler alert... the plumbing never gets fixed. Let's go.
Come on.
Woman on TV: Did somebody call a cheerleader?
Wait till Jake finds out his wife was the original ugly baby.
Look, we got hired to see if she was cheating; She's not.
The baby is his. Our job is done.
The job is never going to be over for anyone
having to help this sweet baby, bless his heart.
His poor mother's going to have to borrow
a better-looking baby to take to church.
Mama, were you listening again?
Honey, we live upstairs over your office.
The only thing blocking the sound around here
is an open staircase... Of course I was listening.
Mama, this ain't your business.
Ruth, will you please talk with your son?
Stop trying to get her on your side.
Look, I am on the side of whatever generates money for this place.
And that would be my side. Think of the endless revenue.
This information leads to their eventual divorce...
Which leads to a prenup for the new marriage.
Which leads to a new divorce.
Which leads to Marcus getting me a condo in Mexico
with a fine houseboy named Juan.
You know, I just don't want to be responsible
for ruining someone else's marriage.
I'll do it.
Why don't you do this for me? Let this go.
Do that. Do that.
Fine.
I'm still not sure why we're here.
Heather, I just wanted you to hear whatever it is that they found out.
We are certain
that you two are the biological parents of the baby.
That's why you brought me here?
I just wanted to make sure that no stone was left unturned.
We have discussed this over and over.
You promised you would let it go.
And I will now that we know the truth.
And the truth will set you free.
Bye-bye now.
The truth is, Jake,
you are a shallow, vapid ass.
Oh, and here's some more truth for you.
I have had so much work done,
you wouldn't even recognize the real me.
Oh, thank God! It's true! We have pictures.
- I'm leaving you, Jake. - But, I mean...
Heather, I'm sorry!
I mean, at least now we know the baby isn't ugly because of me.
Oh, damn. Shots fired.
My ugly they could fix.
All the money in the world won't fix yours.
Jake, we're here for you.
You're fired.
And I'm going to go after everything you've got.
Heather, we're here for you.
I feel sorry for Heather. She trusted Jake.
Now she's left with nothing but a perfectly reconstructed body
and a 16-figure settlement to keep her going.
Now she's all alone.
Something tells me this isn't just about Jake and Heather.
What if Renee was my one and only true love, and now that's it?
- I'm alone. - Marcus, Renee cheated on you.
Count your blessings.
You got "till death do us part"
reduced to a 22-year sentence with time served.
Then why do I feel like I'm starting over, too?
This is a great time for you.
You can do anything. You're going to meet a lot of women.
Carpe scrotum, man. Seize life by the balls.
What if it's too late?
I'm going to tell you a little story I think might help.
Please, don't.
Once upon a time...
There was a kind,
somewhat annoying prince...
And he was deceived and then abandoned
by the princess he had loved for many years
and he lived happily ever after.
He got to smoke cigars in his own home
and watch football games without interruption.
Never made his bed
and even peed a little on the floor sometimes.
And all his married friends envied his disposable income
and unlimited free weekend nights.
The end.
That's a damn good story!
Well, it's your story.
Tell it again.
- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito - - www.addic7ed.com -